About Me

I am a divorced sensationally single mom.  My battle with eating and weight began when I was a teenager struggling with anorexia. I was super-duper skinny and had a fabulous metabolism that was complicated by my addiction to junk foods - I wanted to eat what I wanted to eat, but at the same time I could get by on one meal a day and not feel deprived at all.

I was VERY young when I started smoking, which helped to kill any appetite I had.  I was the classic 80's kid, big hair and scrawny legs, no girly curves to speak of, and most of my friends referred to me as the "Ethiopian Poster Child" - yet I couldn't see it.  When I looked in the mirror I saw fat thighs and a fat butt - and this was where everything seemed to land in my imagination.

When I got married and became pregnant with my 1st child I weighed 103lbs and wore a size ZERO jean - yet my 1st husband would constantly tell me I had a "fat little butt".  During the pregnancy I learned how to eat more and keep food down because the health of my baby far outweighed any image issue I was suffering from. I ended up gaining 80 pounds by the time she was born.  When she was 3 months old, some of my well-meaning friends sat me down for an "intervention" to beg me to pull my 135lb post-pregnancy self together.  You see, they had all known me for so long at my unhealthy skinny weight, that to see me at a NORMAL AND HEALTHY weight for my 5'7" frame made them feel as if I were fat and had let myself go....

Looking back on that now I can only chuckle to myself.  My GOD the pressure we put on each other to live up to our peer standards!  Within a month I was pregnant with my 2nd child, still 135lbs, and still eating.  Only this time my then husband decided he wasn't cut out for marriage and 9 months later I checked into the hospital to have my baby boy weighing....... 135 POUNDS.  I didn't gain a single pound.  I gave birth to a very healthy baby boy and checked out of the hospital at a mere 120lbs.

I managed to keep my weight within 10lbs of that mark for the next few years, through a divorce and into a 2nd marriage.  By the time I got pregnant with my 3rd child I was 126lbs and up to a size 8.  During the pregnancy I developed gestational diabetes which was undiagnosed.  By the time my baby was born I was 225lbs. I never imagined I would have to work at getting it back off.  Boy was I in for a shock.

I had never developed healthy food and exercise habits, nor did I have a good body image.  In fact I didn't even feel like I was as big as I was - until one day we were watching home movies of bringing home my 4th child and the evidence was in my face.  I was SHOCKED to see myself... and totally freaked out at how BIG I was!  I never lost the weight, and was still 225lbs and a size 22.  There are many personal reasons I ended up in that place and I have spent many years healing those things.

Eventually I had heart and blood sugar issues and knew I had to do something.  My 2nd husband and I found the Atkins Diet through a fellow church member that had lost 25 pounds in a month.  Around the same time we discovered Herbalife and began selling the products.  With a combination of the two I managed to quit smoking,  lose 75 pounds,  and get in to a size 10.  I looked great!  I felt great!  Then all hell broke loose....

As life happens we were hit with a series of tragedies one after another.  Within 9 months I had gained back every ounce.  Then I found myself pregnant with my youngest and on complete bed rest. It was useless.  For the next few years I resolved myself to the fact that I was just meant to be a 'big girl' and that it would never be my lot in life to have the body I so admired on women all around me.  In my head I was still "sexy and seventeen", so my solution was to ignore the scary old hag in the mirror.  I had no idea who she was and I wanted her to leave me alone.  And there I stayed for years....

Then came a rollercoaster year of losses and gains, I finally had enough of being depressed and hopeless. When my son graduated from USMC bootcamp in August we took a photo together that I refused to share with my friends who hadn't seen me in a while - I was so humiliated by what I had become.  At the same time my 2nd husband and I decided to call it quits.  Now I was a woman on a mission.  I pulled out my old books and leftover herbalife and 'hit it' hardcore.  I started running and reigned in my eating. By Thanksgiving I had lost 50 pounds and was well on my way.  I was disciplined and charted my efforts regularly.  I was doing GREAT!  And then all at once it all came undone.  It began with a pan of brownies sent for the holidays my my ex mother-in-law, complicated by divorce,  and sealed by the economic crash.  By January I was back to square one.

In the time since my divorce has been finalized the situation eventually improved.  I have worked hard to get back on my feet financially and have made the effort to get counseling and multiple forms of therapy to heal my emotional injuries. I recently began to realize that I was more interested in eating right, and getting more active.  I even realized that my clothes were getting looser.  It dawned on my that the shift in my mental state was leading me to better choices.  I was beginning to come out of my "funk".  And best of all, I realized I was HAPPY!  It had been such a long time I had forgotten how great it could feel.  Last week I bought a new life insurance plan, and when I did my tests I found out I weighed a lot less than I thought I did.  That tiny piece of inspiration has reignited my fire, and I find myself before you today ready to put it all out in the open and kick this demon to the curb for once and for all.

So that's the plan.  That's why we're here.  There's a lot of life left in this old girl - and I want to be around long enough and be healthy enough to enjoy it.  As I shared with good friends last week - I missed my 20's and and the years leading up to my divorce completely.  I am NOT missing out on anything else!  So there you have it.  Here I will begin my balls out, no holds barred, out in the open for the world to see personal challenge to reclaim the girl inside....